Hiding inside mind
Ritika was so excited about this new job. This new job has every thing which she wanted. She was so happy. Her first day was excellent. She was studying for this job for such long time but she was not sure that it would turn out the way she wanted it. She wanted her job to be great & it was. She was so happy to get that job. She was desiring it for such a long time but she never managed to get it. She was so happy. She didn’t understand why she kept thinking this again & again that she was so happy. It was normal to feel happy. But today she felt as if she needed it’s reminder. She knew that she didn’t feel like this normally. But she was feeling sad somewhere inside. She was so much stress out. She knew that she needed to feel okay. In fact she needed to feel on top of the world. She heard her mobile. She looked towards it. Her boyfriend Mohit was calling. She liked Mohit. But now her family was insisting for some commitment from him. She didn’t know. She was so confused. She didn’t understand what was her desire. Mohit didn’t insist on commitment but it was also suggesting that he might choose someone else when it might come to marriage. He could say that they were nice couple but he felt other girl was more suitable for marriage. Actually this never happened with her but she felt scared. She didn’t understand what she supposed to talk with Mohit. She took call after waiting for sometime. Mohit sounded very excited. “ So what happened? Did you manage to enjoy your work?” His voice had magical quality. She wanted to give commitment but he wasn’t demanding it. She was not even sure that they were couple. She suddenly began to sense that he never said something like I love you to her. She was not sure what she felt about all this. She managed to control her feelings & said “ It’s okay.” Mohit seemed happy with this response. Mohit began to tell about his busy day. He always kept talking about himself & asking about her but she didn’t understand if it was just normal friendship or something else. She sensed one thing. Mohit was concerned about her. Mohit was going to dig in her day soon. She smiled at that thought. Ritika knew that she just needed to tell him all. It seemed that everything was perfect. She loved talking with him. Then after sometime Isha called her. Isha was her best friend. She knew that Isha was her best support pillar. She felt so nice when she discussed all with Isha. She started to feel so relaxed after hearing Isha’s voice. Isha “ It is so irritating. I am getting your mobile engaged for such long time. Are you busy with someone?” “ No one special! It was just Mohit!” She tried to sound as normal as possible but Isha got her point already. It was so upsetting. Since Isha immediately started “ Mohit belong to different class...you know very well! He is not going to marry you! He is just doing timepass.” She felt so irritated. “ I am not dating him.” She said in with confidence. She didn’t sense when she decided that she was not involved with him. It was possible when her Dad taunted her for wasting time on wrong sort of boy when she supposed to date one son of his friend. They all didn’t plan her marriage for her happiness but they planned it for their benefits. She was not planning to get married any way. She knew that Mohit was just demanding her friendship that’s all. She began to talk about her new job. Soon she sensed that they wanted her to earn large amount which was not going to happen. Isha didn’t say it on phone but she kept discussing that she was searching for some multinational jobs. Ritika was clearly upset. She wanted to avoid calls after Isha’s call. They all wanted her to run after money. But she wanted them to help her in getting money through work which she wanted to do. It was little bit upsetting at beginning but now it was too much. But she knew that she needed to talk with all. She kept talking with them. Finally by end of last call she was so upset. She didn’t feel any hope from her job. She didn’t like to hear those calls. It were so upsetting. She didn’t understand what was cause of those calls. They all seemed to be telling to her that she was doing a useless job. If she was doing a useless job why did they needed to congratulate her. She knew that it was all going in wrong way. She needed to feel happy but she was so sad & upset. She couldn’t feel that happiness from her soul which she wanted. She was so upset. She sensed that her life was complete failure. She wanted happiness but she was not getting it. She was feeling so sad. She was so happy when she was on her job. Her entire happiness was gone. She didn’t understand why she needed to prove someone great. She was happy with her life. But they kept telling her that she needed to prove herself but she didn’t understand why & to whom. Her smile & happiness didn’t seem so important as her successful career. She was so frustrated. She took out her work from office & started doing it. In her office her every work was appreciated. She liked atmosphere of that office. She was so frustrated when she returned home. She began to dislike Mohit’s call too. Mohit didn’t wanted to harm her but still she began to feel dislike towards him. She started to sense that she couldn’t get him & people would keep taunting her about it. She once again started doing her office work. She was in middle when her father came screaming “ Come on. I want to watch some videos on Computer.” She was working on laptop but it was so hard to shift it again & again. She didn’t want to complaint & hear one big lecture so she left room. It was so frustrating. She kept talking about positive things in her work while her house was full of negativity. She told herself that she needed to concentrate on work. It truly worked. She began to feel so happy about entire thing. She was so happy about it. She decided that she needed to work for sometime. She needed to concentrate on positive way of life. She needed to act hopeful. She began to do her work & slowly she started to get positive. Entire negative thinking managed to vanish from her mind. She loved her work. It was so nice.
Next morning Ritika ran to get ready as soon as alarm rang. She wanted to hurry up. She was not interested in staying in house. Her house & her negativity was killing her positive thinking step by step. She wanted to feel hopeful & positive. She needed to think in a way with which all negative thoughts of her mind would vanish. She felt so stuck in her negative thinking. She didn’t understand why. She knew that it was due to those calls. They were not congratulating her. They were taunting her. They were making her sad & depressed. She began to think about different things which always made her happy. She started to remember her favourite ice cream shop. She used to go there to eat ice cream. She went there with all but she never went there with Mohit. She wanted to take him there some day. But then she corrected her thoughts again. He was not her boyfriend. But she didn’t understand why she couldn’t take him for ice cream without making him boyfriend. She didn’t want to do cross limits. She knew that many did but no one blamed them but for her even talking with Mohit was wrong thing. She didn’t understand why this was happening. She needed to act modern but she was not modern. She didn’t want to confuse Mohit. But she didn’t understand what she actually wanted. She began to thinking about him. She slowly started to get ready for office. She didn’t sense how quickly she managed to get it done. She said bye & left home. She felt like bird out of cage. When she came out, she turned & looked towards her home. She sensed one thing that she wasted entire morning in thinking about Mohit. She didn’t want him. He might treat her like her Dad. Not just her Dad all talked with her in same way even her best friend Isha talked same way. Her Dad always used to talk bitterly but Isha was always positive. Isha never said anything against her. But this time Isha was not supportive at all. Isha was dragging issue whole time. Isha was telling her that she needed to change her attitude. She needed to just go & work in that office. She knew that office was not giving her much salary in fact didn’t give her salary. It just managed to give her chance to show her talent. She was getting people who liked her skill. She didn’t want to change her life just to fulfil ambition of some person who wanted get money through her. She knew that even if she found a man who loved her but also demanded money from her. She didn’t like it. She loved her career too much. She didn’t understand when she fall in love with her career but she did. It became precious to her. She wanted to make her life happy. She didn’t want to run after money. When she reached to office once again she entered in her dream world. She began to sense everything was perfect. When her office hours were over once again she started to feel restless. She didn’t want to return home. She knew this thought was childish but many times she felt that she should rent one room near her office & stay there permanently. But it was not possible. She was not getting salary. She went home. She saw she received missed call from Mohit. She knew that she needed to break this circle too. She didn’t understand if Mohit loved her or not & she was not even sure about her feelings. She knew after her father’s first insult his family would reject her. She knew no one around her could respect him. She didn’t understand how could their friendship survived but it survived. She once more decided to disconnect call. Then she took it. She began to chat with him. This time she told him all. She knew that she couldn’t avoid him. She had strange link with him. She loved discussing everything with him. It was so nice. She sat in garden of society & chatted with him. She knew that no one was going to come there on that time. It was perfect place for her. She wanted to feel happy. But she was feeling so stressed. She was so upset. She didn’t understand why she needed to avoid people while talking with Mohit. She sat peacefully on bench told herself that she could talk with Mohit as friend. She began to call. Mohit took her call immediately. Mohit “ What happened? I thought you will call me to tell stories of your office same way as I do. But you don’t even call.” She said slowly “ Actually I just reached home.” “ Ohh..” “You know my Dad!” “ Ohh..” he didn’t discuss it further. He changed subject. He started talking about other things. She began to feel so happy. She kept talking for hours. Then she noticed time. She decided that she needed to go back. She needed to find some way to get back normal. She was so scared of going inside house. She was scared of that house. She began to feel so tense. She started to dream positively but after watching that house all her dreams were shattered. She knew that Mohit was positive for her mind but he was not staying permanently with her. She needed to feel positive about her own house. As soon as she entered her Dad started talking about some son of his friend. He was telling how much beneficial her marriage would be for her. She was so upset. She wanted to marry for her happiness not for her father’s benefit. Soon her Mom joined them too. Her Mom had same thinking. Her Mom felt that her father knew the best. Ritika didn’t want to hear them. But she knew that they would discuss it all before her so she got ready for another painful discussion which couldn’t be avoided. She was happy that this discussion was not taking place in morning. She didn’t want to go in office with disturbed mind. It was her second day but now she knew that she needed to face this music so she started to hear them. She knew that it would reduce her appetite but she wanted to reduce her weight any way. She began to hear them. She started to face it. But she began to feel so uneasy in her heart. She was so upset. She knew what was coming & she prepared herself for it. She took deep breath to relax herself & she started to detach herself from all. She was there but she didn’t feel insulted or hurt. She learnt this trick long ago & it worked every time so she started doing same thing again.
Ritika was sitting before her parents. Her parents were explaining many things to her. She was listening them. But still she was not there. Her father sensed it first. Her father pointed to her Mom. “ What’s wrong with her? She is looking in air.” “ What?!” Then her Mom tried to shake her. She didn’t respond. It was so shocking. Her parents kept looking at her. She didn’t do anything for long time. Then she suddenly smiled & asked “ What happened?” Dad “ We were talking to you about one boy..” she nodded. “ I am not interested.” “ But you were sitting before us & still you don’t understand anything. You are not with us.” She started laughing. “ I never heard more illogical thing.” She didn’t want to disclose her trick. It was her routine. She never permitted her thoughts to get hurt by this idea. She kept looking towards far away side. She didn’t accept truth. Her parents kept looking towards her then they finally looked away. Her Dad “ But something was strange.” She just ignored them & laughed. She was so happy that she managed to block them from mind. She wanted to do that. She desired to feel happiness. She needed to go ahead. She needed to forget them. She went in her room. She tried to remember those moments. She didn’t want to feel that she didn’t remember them. She was sure that she could if she decide. She smiled at thought that she started forgetting without her permission. She knew that she needed to give permission to her brain otherwise she couldn’t start forgetting. This was not some TV show. She began her life in normal way. She kept doing this trick time to time. One day when she was working in office, she started to do one presentation before customers. She didn’t remember much. But then she sensed that water managed to wet her. She looked around with shock. Her colleagues were watching her. Her Boss asked “ Are you alright?” She nodded. She apologised to clients. It was so upsetting. She was working so hard to get things in right way. But nothing was working. She was feeling so sad. She wanted to feel normal. But she knew that she suddenly managed to blank out. She sat on chair. She began to tell herself to relax. She knew that she must be sick. She didn’t understand any other cause to forget all. She began to check temperature. But she found that it was okay. She started checking for other physical symptoms. But they were not existed. It was so frustrating. She began to get upset. Then her Boss entered. Boss “What is happening to you?” “ Nothing much I just blank out. Sometimes it happens to me..maybe due to nervousness.” “ It could be sign of serious sickness too.” Ritika felt so tense. Her Boss gave her card of Doctor. “ Took appointment & check.” She knew that this means asking for money. She wanted to avoid it. She smiled & said “ I am fine. It is just normal weakness..” “ Go to Doctor..or I got better idea come with me on my regular check up.” Her Boss always went to regular check up. Her Boss was health conscious since her husband’s heart attack & death. Ritika didn’t want to reject offer. Ritika decided that she might sell one of her old jewellery & get money for this Doctor. She didn’t want money from parents. She agreed. So she went home that day. Once again Mohit called. She took his call. She didn’t want to tell him anything so she avoided discussing her day. She was so frustrated when Mohit finally asked “ What happened?” She was so confused. “What? Nothing!” “ Yesterday you took call but didn’t speak.” She was so confused. She didn’t remember taking call at all. “ Ohh I can’t hear you.” He laughed. Mohit “ I thought you are angry about something.” “ No..no.” Then she changed subject. She managed to talk nicely on call. After it she searched her mobile. She saw that she took call. Then she remembered that she took call. She knew that yesterday she took call. She came to sit on that chair. Then she didn’t remember anything. She came to senses when her neighbour touched her shoulder & asked “ What happened did you fall asleep?” She laughed & nodded. Then she went home. She understood one thing that something was wrong with her. She went home. She knew that she needed to confess. She told all to her parents. Her Dad was clearly frustrated. But he agreed to waste money on her. According to him every rupee he spent on her was wastage. She finally managed to tell all. Her Mom suggested that she would accompany her but she told her that her Boss was coming. Her Dad immediately told her Mom “ Let that Boss take her. She knew a lot better than you.” Her Mom nodded nervously. Her Mom always worshipped her Dad blindly. She nodded happily. She didn’t want her Mom with her. Next day she went to Doctor. Doctor checked her. Then Doctor told her to do normal tests. She sensed that she needed to spend money but she didn’t have much option. She went home. She took money from her parents & then she did tests. It was so frustrating when all came normal. It seemed as if she wasted money & when she came home, her Dad told it to her. This time she lost in her world. She didn’t sense that she needed to come back. She just went away. She didn’t understand or sense any thing. She was in her world. She didn’t want to come back. She was so happy in it. She didn’t even sense happiness. It was nothing. She didn’t exist. She couldn’t get insulted or she couldn’t get hurt. She just closed all doors of consciousness. She was happy there.
Ritika shocked when she woke up in hospital. She looked around. Nurse called Doctor. Doctor checked her. Her parents came inside running. They kept telling her that she was just statue but she didn’t remember anything. She was so nervous. Then they did all check up on her. Finally they suggested psychiatrist. She was so shocked. It did look like mental disorder at all. But when she described all, Psychiatrist said “ It’s possible. In fact I feel it is mental disorder.” Then he explained whenever she wanted to escape stress she was doing it. “ But I like to talk to Mohit.” “ But you were scared of rejection or commitment? Or maybe of both!” She nodded. After this her treatment started. She began to get relaxed. Slowly she started to learn how to handle stress. Sometimes she get angry. Sometimes she cry but she never avoided it. She learnt to not block it from her mind. She remembered it & accepted it. It was painful but it was normal. She learnt to face her life. She knew that nothing was certain. But she learnt to accept that uncertainty with smile. Today she smiled happily when she chatted with Mohit. She didn’t think what would be future of their friendship. She appreciated her friendship. She admired her job & never wished people to admire it. Her admiration was enough for her. She learnt to handle it all through psychiatrist. She was always thankful to Psychiatrist for it. Her life became simple again. She learnt to handle crisis.
The End
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