Smruti's sorrow
Smruti was so excited after long time she found city of her dream. She kept shifting from one to another in search of perfect city. She wanted everything to be ideal for her taste. She kept changing her place of living forever. Smruti had two children. She was single mother. She just got divorced & she was happy with her decision. She didn’t want to force that marriage on her. Arun wasn’t right sort of man for her. She smiled when she looked towards her daughters. They were growing up now. They were no longer baby girls who could be shifted according to her wishes. She needed to settle somewhere & her daughters needed to settle in one house too. She had seen many houses until now. She kept renting for sometime. If those houses didn’t suit her, this time she had hopes. She took out her luggage. It was limited suitcases. Actual things were going to come on next day. She already booked people who would shift her furniture & other things. She looked towards girls. It seemed as if it was not normal for them. Her daughters never complained about shifting. She didn’t understand why they never did. She was hoping that they would tell her to stop shifting & they wanted to stay in their school. She decided that in Taxi while reaching to new home she could talk to them. Her elder daughter Meena was looking around. Meena was watching road while younger one Tanu was looking towards window. She smiled & asked Meena “ So do you plan to make new friends in school?” Meena didn’t look happy at this suggestion. Meena “ I don’t make friends. I don’t need them. I concentrate on studies.” Tanu immediately added “ It’s just waste of time. They talk to us & teacher will get angry.” Smruti didn’t understand what she supposed to say on this. It was so different. But then many kids didn’t find suitable friends. It wasn’t easy find right sort of friends. She felt so upset. But she didn’t want to pressure them. “ So you haven’t find useful friends?” They didn’t say anything. It was odd that they were not interested in talking with her. Normally children loved to talk. She felt so stressed. She began to feel that she wasn’t enough for them. She didn’t want them to miss their Dad but after watching them so quiet & so uninterested in talking with her. She felt that they didn’t just miss their Dad but blamed her for his absence. She loved pleasant marriage but how hard she tried she couldn’t able to keep Arun happy. He just hated her. He needed to feel happy so he needed divorce her. She knew from first day he was never in love with her. He didn’t wanted to marry her but Smruti’s father was rich & other girls didn’t took interest in Arun. According to them Arun was not wise man. Arun needed capital for business which he couldn’t get since he needed someone special with financial background. Smruti was around him just catching his every word. She was perfect chance for him. She was never his love just chance for his career. Samira was rich. She could manage to bring break to his career. She wanted to give capital. So he married to her. Then slowly he managed to achieve progress. She began to feel that she needed to feel positive about it but she was not. Since she knew that when he would achieve progress he would find someone else. But then she got pregnant & she began to feel for his children he would stay with her. She was paying full attention to her kids but one day he told her that she needed to start her business again. She wasn’t so excited but still she agreed so she began to work in her store. But sadly she didn’t able to keep his interest in her through her kids. Instead she began to spend all day around kids & he got full freedom. She didn’t even sense that he was having extra marital affair until it didn’t appear in Magazine. By this time he was famous. He was one of rich people so Magazine immediately started to write that he was planning to marry this famous woman. She was too busy to read. She understood it when one of parents in her daughter’s school asked. She just said “ I don’t know.” That lady asked “ You didn’t question answer your husband?” She just looked away. Actually he wasn’t staying in home with her for long time. He came sometimes on vacation & weekends for kids. On that time whenever he desired she spent time with him. He could do whatever he liked. She never questioned him. She didn’t want to. He didn’t exactly scream or abuse her. But he gave one irritating look to her & she felt as if she was worst thing on earth. She didn’t want to feel that way. She could always talk with her parents who loved her. Her parents sometimes asked about him. But they didn’t ask much any longer. Her siblings also kept avoiding subject. They didn’t want her to discuss it. She kept talking about her daughters too. She just said “ He comes sometimes too busy!” That lady said “ So you aren’t staying together for long time.” Smruti nodded. That lady “ Then this affair will not impact you. Your marriage is already broken.” She slowly said “ Long ago. I tried hard but he wasn’t interested.” “ Actually he must be obsessed with those woman who earned high. He wanted someone who could increase money. He doesn’t seem after love. He is after money.” Smruti sensed many parents gathered around them. Another lady kept hand on shoulder “ This is painful but better. How long you are going to pretend that he is your husband when he doesn’t even come to invite you! What about kids? Do you feel they will feel sad?” She felt so upset. But she needed to confess. “ I never asked my daughters they never want to talk.” “ Don’t ask. Just get divorce with nice alimony & settle in your life. If he doesn’t want kids it’s better for you.” She nodded & she did it. It wasn’t because she wanted it but because he wanted it. She always did everything he wanted but after divorce she was free to do whatever she wanted. She didn’t exactly understand that freedom. She got it but she didn’t understand how to operate in it. She was trying to find perfect house for her & her kids. A town which would love them & she was searching. She was trying hard on every front to find place for her.
Smruti looked towards her daughter Meena when they reached home & asked with big smile “ So do you like your new house?” Both girls looked out & Tanu asked “ It’s okay. We will find new house very soon.” Meena “ Mom why you need to feel concerned this isn’t permanent is it?” Smruti didn’t say anything. She wanted to settle this time. Soon she opened door & they entered in house. Girls did little bit discussion & selected rooms. This time she decided to purchase big house. It was old cottage. She could see that it was away from market & actual town. She suddenly felt that this might be upsetting for her girls so she ran towards them & asked “ I hope you don’t mind this house. It’s little bit lonely.” Tanu spoke before Meena “ Mom we prefer privacy. This is large house & old fashioned Gothic look. I can do many painting in it.” Meena nodded. “ It was encouraged Tanu’s creativity. She needed to experience something like that. She would get creative by this big Gothic house. She can set one room with her canvas stand too.” Smruti was so shocked. “ But she is still in just primary school!” Tanu “ They create small canvas stand for us. Meena Didi will show me how to paint.” Meena nodded. Clearly Meena was encouraging Tanu. Smruti didn’t want to discourage. She wanted to appear like normal Mom. She needed to feel okay with their ideas. She immediately smiled & said “ So which room do you want?” Tanu looked around & pointed one room. So they went in that room. That room was in worst situation. They all looked upset after seeing it’s condition. Smruti shifted there before renovation. It was so frustrating. Smruti didn’t understand what she supposed to do with her life. She planned to make her children happy but she didn’t achieve it. There was always something which was missing. She felt so stressed. She smiled & said “ I am so happy that I got big house but we need to do renovations.” Meena “ No problem. This is better now Tanu can select all. In fact we will decide what we want in our home.” Smruti nodded. She was so tense. She had low budget. She immediately told it but it turned out her daughters didn’t want big budget. They just wanted freedom to choose & they got it. They were so happy. Smruti was happy for them too. But as renovation started house was loaded with workers. Smruti needed to go back to work. She wanted some one at home to take care of daughters. She called her parents who agreed happily. Her parents were like guardian angels to her. She took so many wrong decisions but they always supported & helped her. She always felt gratitude towards them. But she didn’t understand what they should be feeling about her. She was such failure. She didn’t even have any big job. She kept searching for people who would appreciate skills & gave her one. She knew that even today she wasn’t going for job but she was going out in search of job. She was so scared that her parents might started to dislike her or they might get sick one day. She was nothing without them. She called her Mom. Mom “ So you settled?” “ Not exactly I bought old house & it needed lots of renovations.” “ I know we will join you tomorrow. Your Dad always wanted old cottage as retirement home. Finally his daughter purchased one. He is jumping with excitement.” “ But Mom kids already planned how to renovate.” Mom started laughing. Then Mom said “ It will be tricky for Grandpa now. He need to convince his two granddaughters to permit him the changes. Surely there might be few extra gifts.” She gave forced laugh too. She didn’t understand how could they enjoy or pretend they were enjoying this? She was a daughter whose marriage didn’t survive & one who didn’t even have good career. How could they laugh & enjoy burdens she was putting on them? She knew that they were pretending. Her entire family was pretending to be happy. Then she called her daughters. She said “ Grandpa & Grandma are coming tomorrow.” Tanu gave one angry look “ Now he will change interior.” Meena gave her sweet smile & said “ Come on he will give gifts too. He will call that drawing teacher on video call for us.” Tanu started to smile too. Tanu “ That dress I got last time. Do you remember?” Smruti nodded. “ All called me princess in that school until end.” Meena nodded. Meena “ Time to become popular in this new school too. Grandma have cooking skills & Grandpa knows which gifts we need to become admirable in school.” Both girls nodded & they went happily in their room. Smruti felt that she was just useless. She didn’t understand why they didn’t get upset or angry on her. She was taking all money from her parents. She told herself that she would surely get job this time. She went in that office. She was so scared. She entered & Receptionist gave her a look which told her that she might get job but she was just low level person. She knew that she needed to smile & talk sweetly. She began to do it. Soon Receptionist at least started to talk with her in normal way. Smruti didn’t understand why did this Receptionist was unhappy with her. Receptionist was holding grudge on her. She began to feel that it was possible that this Receptionist understood something about her past. A woman who didn’t have job but feeding her children on money of her parents. She was much failure. Finally she went for interview. She talked nicely for long time. Those people who interviewed her looked as if they were not so impressed. She felt so sad. She was becoming failure once again. She stood up after interview. She was so tense. She knew that she couldn’t get this job too. She still gave one forced smile & left room. She was so sad. She was just burden to all. She wanted to prove herself useful for her family. She was getting stuck in every time on every step. She returned home early. She looked around. Her renovation was going to start from next day. She was doing all on her parent’s money. She knew that she was useless person. Her husband never loved her since she never earned much.
Smruti was so stressed. Entire day she kept trying her best to smile. She wanted to appreciate them all. But she couldn’t do justice to them. She was feeling so negative about all. Her daughters looked stressed too. Smruti asked Meena “ What happened?” “ It’s new school so need time to adjust.” Tanu “ Some tried to bully.” Smruti looked nervously towards Meena “ Are you unhappy in this school?” Meena just looked out of window. Smruti didn’t understand what she supposed to do. On that night she had worst nightmare. In it she saw that Meena was bullied by her classmates. She could see Meena getting hurt. She woke up with screams. She was alone in her room but still her voice was so loud that her daughters came running in room. She took them in her arms & started crying loudly. She began to apologise again & again for her mistake. They kept looking towards her with nervous expressions. They didn’t understand cause of this nervous break down. Meena said “ Mom why you are apologising like that.” “ You are suffering bullying due to me.” Tanu started crying too. Tanu “ Mom you never bullied me in life. Mom I admire you so much I don’t want you to cry..” Tanu was trying to calm her but she couldn’t. Meena was looking scared too. Smruti tried hard to control her tears but it took her at least two hours to stop it. It was so stressful for her. She couldn’t stop crying. She knew that she was incapable parent. Next day Smruti’s parents came home. She was so happy. She began to feel that she might needed to give her children to her husband. She wasn’t capable for good for anything. She needed to talk with her parents about it. She felt so nervous entire incidence. She was crying for two hours. When her daughters went in school, she told her parents that she needed to discuss. She sat with her parents & talked. Her Mom said “ Your husband never wanted children so he will never take good care of them.” Her Dad added “ Why you want to destroy life of your daughters? Regarding money we have it!” “ But it’s for your old age.” “ But we are already old & your father was planning house like that.” She didn’t understand what she supposed to say. But before she could say anything her Dad said “ If you left them or even something happened to you we will not give our grandchildren to man like your husband. We will keep them” her Mom “ & I feel he will give them willingly too.” She felt so confused. Her Dad “ I feel if you are suffering like that emotionally then you are having nervous breakdown & it’s common after divorce.” Her Mom nodded too. Mom “ We will already planning to suggest visit of psychiatrist. You don’t need a job you need peace of mind for you.” She nodded. She suddenly sensed that her daughters never expressed even desire to meet their father. It was so upsetting. She couldn’t force her daughters to stay with that man who never showed any affection towards them. She said slowly “ Fine you can call for appointment.” Then she went in kitchen. She didn’t want to hear conversation. She thought that she was so strong. She would easily get over her divorce but she couldn’t. It was like accepting her failure but she didn’t have much option. Then in evening her daughters came back from school. Meena was clearly happy now. It seemed her issue was solved. That girl was not interested in her anymore. Meena “ Actually that girl began to follow some boy. That boy was enjoying her attention too. That boy smiled for sometime then he began to ignore so she is after him now. She wanted his attention.” Then Meena began to tell funny stories of that girl. Soon entire house started laughing. Smruti supposed to feel relaxed but she wasn’t she was so stressed & upset. She didn’t understand how could she feel peaceful in her mind. She tried so hard. In that night once she screamed her Mom slept with her in bedroom & every one told to stay in room so no one came. It took hours before she stopped crying. It was clear that she needed psychiatrist & she didn’t want to hide it from herself any more. She couldn’t smile happily since her divorce she kept blaming herself for all. Her daughters were happy & she began to feel that they were not pretending. They didn’t want their Dad around them since her husband wasn’t pleasant man. She knew that she needed to accept it but she couldn’t. She looked towards Mom & asked “ Are you sure that Psychiatrist will solve this? I don’t want my daughters to be send to their father.” “ Don’t worry. I will take care of them.” Smruti tried so hard but still she began to cry again. On that day she kept crying for entire night. She was feeling so sad. She tried to control her emotions but she couldn’t. Next day she had appointment of Psychiatrist. She told her parents to stay with girls but they all decided to come with her. They crowded clinic but they didn’t care. Girls were scared too. Finally her number came. She told her family to sat outside but her Mom insisted on coming. But Psychiatrist told them all to come inside. Then slowly Psychiatrist talked with all. Then Psychiatrist smiled & said “ This is normal. Many women & men have much issues after Divorce. She will fine.” Then her family went out. She talked with psychiatrist. Psychiatrist said “ Slowly you need to get over your husband since you are only who is missing him. Your entire family doesn’t miss him they are genuinely happy. Your parents have money so even that is not issue. But you need to get over him.” She nodded & cried. In life for first time she decided to get over her first love her ex husband. She needed it & with help of psychiatrist it became possible.
The End
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